This healing journey after being a primary caregiver is almost as tough as being a primary family caregiver. The only difference is when I was caring for Mom, I had to get up and show up for life NO MATTER WHAT.. because she needed me. For me, helping her was essential for her quality of life. Now, no one’s life or well-being depends on me. No one needs me. I no longer need to be on call 24/7, I no longer have to keep my phone on, and right next to me constantly, and I no longer have to plan my day and life around the care and needs of someone else. Now I’m responsible for someone, and I have no idea who she is, what her place is in the world, what her purpose is, or why she even matters. That person is me. I have almost ten years of caring for my mother, and she came first.
I’m a bit lost
My life, each day, how I lived, how I slept, what jobs I could take, how I could show up in friendships and relationships, where I would live, if I could pay my bills or get groceries, LITERALLY EVERY PART OF MY LIFE was determined by how’s mom today, what does she need. Don’t get me wrong I’m so grateful for the journey and all the beautiful times I had with her and all our TEAM MOM moments and even the super hard times I would do all over again. But Now after putting myself second for a decade I’m a bit lost.
I know how to do grief, my father passing just 8 months before mom taught me that, but reclaiming my life after not being the main character in my story for so many years well that part is tough. Even just calming my nervous system down after being in a constant state of taking care of an emergency, calming down from a mom emergency, 24/7 knowing I need to be prepared for an emergency or trying to take care of a million things to avoid a mom emergency is tough…. Every time my phone rings or a text comes through I still get that “is she ok” fear for a second. Changing my ring and text tone helped a bit but also omg if my phone goes off after 10pm it’s an instant panic.. my first thought is still, there’s been an accident, there is an emergency I need to take someone to the hospital or someone is gonna or did die.. because it always was. My nervous system hasn’t relaxed in 10 years.
Just get up!
So here I am convincing myself I’m worth waking up each morning and my life matters just as much as moms did. Telling myself if you don’t know how to take care of you then take care of you like you would have done for mom, if you don’t think your worth it the remember your mother never gave up and she wouldn’t want you to either… get up!!!!! Put one foot in front of the other and figure out who you are and create a life you love and damn it if you can’t put one foot in front of another them fucking crawl… just get up!!!
I know there are many of my friends who have recently had their care journey end as well and they are feeling the same way, walking or crawling through the same journey now. WE ARE NOT ALONE!!!!
Some of the things I have learned I like and love and want to be a big part of my new life are:
🩷 spending time at Farmers Markets
🩷 belly dancing
🩷 my recovery family
🩷 my fellow caregiver family
🩷 my juicing I love that damn juicer lol
🩷 spending time with friends even just coffee and conversation ohhh how I missed that
🩷 traveling and road trips
🩷 my job and the work I GET TO do helping family caregivers and advocating for the all across the US. And all the other amazing caregiver advocates I get to work with or my Champions.
🩷 oh and writing I like to write even though my mind is still going in a MILLION directions and I can’t concentrate or spell for shit lol
🩷 and working with my life coach she’s amazing
🩷 having get together and parties (not going to them)
🩷 making crafty stuff
🩷 being outdoors
🩷 being with my besties K & P
🩷 And of course the beach
Keep going
I’m sure there will be more things along the way. Right now I’m focusing heavily on learning to sleep through the night ( since I no longer have to be on call or check cameras throughout the night) and learning to relax and experience peace. I’m starting to get 15 mins here and there and it’s weird and uncomfortable but I’m Learning to sit with it.
Here’s what I know, on the days I can’t do it for me I’m gonna do it for her, my mother who even from her wheelchair and hospital bed taught me to be strong and courageous. I also know I DON’T give up or quit no matter what. Also Caregiving made me stronger and walking or crawling through this will too. The days are getting easier little by little.
Keep going. It’s all going to be worth it….
Sending love to my fellow former caregivers 💖😀
Christina is available to speak on the topic of caregiver relationships and empowerment. Please contact her for details. The information shared is for general information only; please consult your healthcare team, legal, or financial advisors for guidance on your situation.
