I was with Terry for 18 years. We were a part of each other’s daily lives, living together, traveling together, and supporting each other. For all those years, I went to doctor’s appointments with him, picked up prescriptions, bought his vitamins, and cooked with him. I knew the ins and outs of his daily life as well as his preferences.
All those years, we told each other, “I love you.” My love and the hopes he would have a good life didn’t stop just because we broke up. We didn’t break up because somebody was abusive, had a major addiction, or cheated. We broke up because we were not right as romantic partners. We decided we were much better as friends.
When Terry had a life-changing stroke in 2019, I stepped in and went from being his friend to his caregiver. It just made sense. I knew I might have a chance to help him so he wouldn’t be so resistant to adjusting to this new reality. I knew all his medical history and his doctors, many of whom were still my doctors. It just made sense to us (though I can understand why it may not make sense to others).
One of the toughest things about caring for my ex is all the opinions people have about our relationship. People volunteer their thoughts like, “You really don’t have to do that,” “You’re codependent,” or “Why would you do that?” There is already so much guilt and shame that comes with being a caregiver, but when you care for an ex? WOW. People have a lot of negative comments. The judgment can be brutal and, at times, make me want to go into caregiver isolation mode. It has certainly narrowed down my circle of friends
I think whomever somebody cares for, whether it be a friend, a neighbor, or an ex-partner, it’s up to them to determine whether it’s a codependent relationship. (And whatever they want to call it, it is up to that person to work out with a therapist.) In the end, I must choose what’s more important: listening to and internalizing other people’s judgment or what my words when I say “I love you” mean not only to Terry but to me.
It is heartbreaking caring for an ex and knowing all the things they dreamed about doing or becoming. How they had worked their whole life to set themselves up to retire comfortably and travel, and, in an instant, everything changed for them. Everything they worked for slowly goes away because life is now focused on care and expenses. The lifelong friends who were there for all the birthdays and special events, the friends who were always at our house, the friends he grew up with rarely — if at all — came around to see him anymore.
Another challenge of caring for an ex is dating. We are both very clear in our understanding that we will never be a couple again. That was decided well before his stroke and my becoming his caregiver. But try to imagine dating and explaining to your new romantic prospects, “Oh, by the way, I’m a caregiver for my mom and my ex-boyfriend.” It usually goes over with the weight of a lead balloon. But I’m not giving up hope just yet.
There are some unexpected benefits to caring for an ex. Before we broke up, I was living with him, and he was — frankly — a pain in my ass. I had to stay in the same house with him and sleep in the same bed — even when we were mad at each other. Now when he’s being a pain in my ass, I can leave after helping him with what he needs and making sure he’s safe. If he’s grumpy on the phone, rather than thinking, “I have to go home to this,” I get to go back to my own house and have a peaceful night. No worrying about how we will make up because we share the same living space.
Despite all the challenges, the heartbreak, and the judgments, I am so grateful I get to be a part of Terry’s life. For me, “I love you” means forever. It doesn’t mean, “I only love you if you’re acting right or we’re dating.” Does that mean I have to move back in with him and give him my whole life? No, but I’m certainly there to help them. And I’m glad to do it. I am already a caregiver for my mother, and I know how to be a caregiver. Why wouldn’t I care for him when it’s second nature?
Life for me is all about LOVE. Being with the people I love, doing things I love, going places I love, and learning new levels of love. Being able to experience this type of love beyond a relationship that was once romantic is a priceless gift.
This article was first published at caregiving.com and on other websites.
Christina is available to speak on the topic of caregiver relationships and empowerment. Please contact her for details. The information shared is for general information only; please consult your healthcare team, legal, or financial advisors for guidance on your situation.
